Thursday, 12 June 2014

My life has had some truly disastrous relationships.

This is not made up and to those who things"did not work out " it was me not you.

I am single at 48 and I think I will be single for a while yet.

It is true I have lost faith in relationships and hope of finding the right one.

I guess the reality and certainty of this hit me on the morning of  September 2010 at 4.35 am when i thought my house was being assaulted by a train and shaken by a giant. It was the first Canterbury earthquake. I was alone with my children , scared and afraid. I didn't have a partner or lover who cared enough to call and I felt for the first time in my life truly unloved. It was time to hug ya self and move on . I couldn't go back to bed, I couldn't sleep and yet I was in slight shock . I made muffins at 5 am as I didn't know how to calm down and relax or stop shaking.

My previous relationship was suddenly ended, in 2008, when I returned from a school-shoe shopping trip on a Sunday afternoon and my live-in boyfriend had disappeared. I mean really disappeared. I waited for a call from him to say he was ok. but it never came. I have not heard from him since. I was so worried and anxious at work that I called the police and asked what do you do, when you  don't know. Has he hurt himself? "Unlikely", the Police officer said.

With greater caution I decided to wait a while before going trough the pain of rejection or loss.

I'm still waiting.

My most recent relationship of sorts was with a very pleasant gentleman from the South Island who I meet in Fiji. It started of with a boozy session and a tropical island and it continued with visits to Auckland and occasional visits South. it sort of ended badly with an argument about cannabis vs alcohol after too much of both.

Why is it that the kiwi male needs to drink so much?
Ok not all, but the fun chaps, who are single, do seem to consume way more alcohol than I want to.

And of course, block your ears  or eyes if you are sqeamish, but at a certain age women and men respond differently to sex than we did in our 20's. Some men seem to want, to never grow any older, (or learn anything new) and tend to resort to little blue pills. So in effect the woody is not just for young men.

It is true though, I did invite a nice fella over, builder, strong and capable all that, and again, too much booze and performance anxiety. Now I want to give up!

I have also being quite aware that there is a P problem in this country and in Particular all the places that start with P, Panmure, Papakura , Ponsonby, Pakaranga etc,  you can find P for sale. This may be urban rumour cos I have also been told it's on the North Shore and out West. I am just pretty mindful that most people will not reveal this sort of thing to you right away. And am watching out .

I have been listening to a play on the radio about some pretty loose relationships, a young women bonking two friends and one is married. I could not be that type of person. sex is not sport but I guess, and am realising it's not love either.

But the thing is, having regular sex with a person can lead to falling in love, even if you don't want to.

I got married, in 1986, my Mother-in-law reckons I was an hour late. I don't think so , but it is true I did not want to get married that day. I was 20. I had a beautiful wedding and my groom had already been married before. I tried to reason with him during the honeymoon that this was not for me , but he told me it was nerves and we would be fine. I did truly love him and the marriage lasted some years and we had a daughter.

It was like wild horse , wearing a heavy bit, and being riden by a very hard rider.
We moved 14 times in seven years, and lived in three countries and in the USA four different States. I was so homesick.

 My boyfriend before this had a IV drug habit and rooted a friend at my first flat warming party, or so i was told.

Another  incredibly unique man used to tell me to settle down
Ha, that's is the worse , I mean the very worst thing he could say to me.
I won't bow down and I don't settle.

I am unsettled by nature I guess.
To settle , to me, means accepting a lesser version of the desire or dream. It means to accept and not to strive.

It rubs me.

I entered another relationship and that was violent. There were fights and drinking and I ran away , again after a number of years. I damaged myself and my daughter by staying. I should have quit the relationship at the first threatening behaviour.

I have been sexually assaulted twice.
Police, not helpful.
Worst betrayal by a female friend ever who said the guy was rapey, after the date, while she baby sat for me. Did she warn me??? NO.
 Did she offer to drive me to the police? NO!
Is she a friend ? NO.

Now I am very careful.

There are some wonderful men out there. I know, they are called husbands and they are the ones who don't have addiction issues. They don't lie or not work. They take the responsibility of having a wife and family and care for them and make them safe.

They are taken and they are valued.

I am no longer really looking for a soul mate, lover, or life partner. I am very busy and am raising a little boy about what it means to be a good man.
That is very fulfilling and without a relationship at this time I am free to be with where and with who ever I want.
I don't have any time for this as I have a very busy life, but this is what I tell myself daily.

I am surrounded by men at work .
I did consider a women , briefly but I am not sure that is for me.
I say love is love and meeting my next companion could be years away or tomorrow.

but I am not unhappy.
 But reflecting on the bad moments clouds the good times. The good and great times are why, I know i will Love Again.